180 Laugh-Out-Loud Funny Quotes to Share with Friends
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Laughter is the best medicine, and what better way to spread joy than by sharing hilarious quotes with your friends? Whether you need a witty comeback, a lighthearted joke, or just something to brighten the day, these laugh-out-loud quotes are perfect for every occasion. Enjoy this collection of 180 funny quotes that will leave you and your friends in stitches!
Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh (1-10)
- “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
- “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate.” — John F. Kennedy
- “Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
- “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” — Will Rogers
- “If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?” — Unknown
- “Life’s too short to have matching socks.” — Unknown
Side-Splitting One-Liners (11-20)
- “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” — Al McGuire
- “I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.” — Unknown
- “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” — Unknown
- “Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate.” — John F. Kennedy
- “Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.” — Anonymous
- “I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.” — Unknown
- “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” — Steven Wright
- “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” — Steven Wright
- “I am not lazy, I am on energy-saving mode.” — Unknown
More Laughs Coming Your Way (21-30)
- “My bed and I love each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.” — Unknown
- “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” — Steven Wright
- “A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.” — Unknown
- “I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, ‘That one looks like an idiot.’” — Unknown
- “I told my suitcase there will be no vacations this year. Now it’s crying in the closet.” — Unknown
- “The only thing I gain in 2024 is weight.” — Unknown
- “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” — Douglas Adams
- “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” — Benjamin Franklin
- “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” — Bill Murray
- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
Rolling on the Floor Laughing (31-40)
- “I’m not saying I’m old, but I just had to scroll down a lot to find my birth year.” — Unknown
- “Don’t worry if plan A doesn’t work out. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet.” — Claire Cook
- “Some people say ‘Nothing is impossible.’ But I do nothing every day.” — A.A. Milne
- “Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.” — Unknown
- “My ability to turn good advice into ‘Nah, I got this’ is impressive.” — Unknown
- “You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.” — Unknown
- “I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older… younger.” — Unknown
- “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis
- “The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.” — Unknown
- “I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” — Unknown
Gut-Busting One-Liners (41-50)
- “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” — Unknown
- “I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.” — Unknown
- “My windows aren’t dirty, my dog is just nose art.” — Unknown
- “If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention, talk in your sleep.” — Unknown
- “Dear life, when I said, ‘Can my day get any worse?’ it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.” — Unknown
- “I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.” — Henny Youngman
- “You never realize how long a minute is until you exercise.” — Unknown
- “I’m not late. I’m just on my own time zone.” — Unknown
- “That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even spell check is like, ‘I got nothing for you, dude.'” — Unknown
- “I dusted once. It came back. I’m not falling for that again.” — Unknown
More Giggles Coming Your Way (51-60)
- “If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?” — Unknown
- “The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.” — Jerry M. Wright
- “I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they are like, ‘Hey, what are you doing here?’ I reply, ‘Oh, you know… hunting elephants.'” — Unknown
- “I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.” — Unknown
- “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.” — Unknown
- “Reality continues to ruin my life.” — Bill Watterson
- “The secret to a clean kitchen: Don’t cook.” — Unknown
- “If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?” — Unknown
- “Coffee: Because adulting is hard.” — Unknown
- “My housekeeping style is best described as ‘There appears to have been a struggle.’” — Unknown
Chuckles and Snorts (61-70)
- “I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.” — Unknown
- “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” — Charlie Chaplin
- “Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!” — Unknown
- “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” — Bob Hope
- “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something.” — Jackie Mason
- “I remixed a remix, and it was back to normal.” — Mitch Hedberg
- “Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll?” — Unknown
- “I’m at the age where my mind says, ‘You can do it,’ but my body says, ‘Try it and die.'” — Unknown
- “You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you do for fun.” — Unknown
- “Sleep is my favorite hobby. I can do it with my eyes closed.” — Unknown
Laughs for Days (71-80)
- “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
- “Some people wake up fast. Some people wake up slow. I wake up dead.” — Unknown
- “My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.” — Unknown
- “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry)
- “Why do they call it fast food when you order it and still have to wait 15 minutes?” — Unknown
- “Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.” — Unknown
- “I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’” — Unknown
- “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.” — Unknown
- “I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.” — Unknown
- “I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.” — Unknown
Rolling with Laughter (81-90)
- “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” — Earl Wilson
- “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.” — Unknown
- “I love being married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
- “I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me four days, but whatever.” — Unknown
- “I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.” — Unknown
- “If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up, that’s a squat, right?” — Unknown
- “You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that’s pretty much the same thing.” — Unknown
- “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.” — Unknown
- “Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.” — Unknown
- “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” — Wilson Mizner
More LOL Moments (91-100)
- “My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.” — Unknown
- “I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.” — Unknown
- “Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.” — Unknown
- “People who write ‘u’ instead of ‘you’—what do you do with all the time you save?” — Unknown
- “I thought I was in a bad mood, but it’s just hunger.” — Unknown
- “At my age, ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering why I’m there.” — Unknown
- “Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You’re one of them.” — Unknown
- “The first rule of cleaning: If it doesn’t fit in a drawer, the trash can is your friend.” — Unknown
- “I am one step away from being rich. All I need now is money.” — Unknown
Still Cracking Up? (101-110)
- “Why do they call it a ‘building’ when it’s already built?” — Unknown
- “Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.” — Unknown
- “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” — Emo Philips
- “A hangover is just your body reminding you that you’re an idiot.” — Unknown
- “The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genuine.” — Abraham Lincoln (obviously not)
- “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” — Demetri Martin
- “I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship.” — Unknown
- “Your secrets are safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.” — Unknown
- “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” — Cathy Guisewite
- “I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long.” — Unknown
Sarcasm and Giggles (111-120)
- “I love long walks—especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.” — Fred Allen
- “I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle.” — Unknown
- “Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.” — Unknown
- “Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.” — Unknown
- “If I won the award for laziness, I’d send someone to pick it up for me.” — Unknown
- “If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.” — Unknown
- “I finally got rid of those pesky dust bunnies. Turns out they were just my pets.” — Unknown
- “You know you’re old when your candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope
- “Sorry I’m late—traffic was exactly how it’s been every single day.” — Unknown
- “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.” — Unknown
Rolling in Laughter (121-130)
- “I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” — Charles M. Schulz
- “You can’t spell ‘awesome’ without ‘me.’” — Unknown
- “I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.” — Unknown
- “Life’s too short to wear matching socks.” — Unknown
- “When someone asks if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they mean a therapist.” — Unknown
- “I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?” — Unknown
- “A balanced diet means holding a cookie in each hand.” — Unknown
- “I don’t trip. I do random gravity checks.” — Unknown
- “I’d stop eating chocolate, but I’m not a quitter.” — Unknown
- “I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop annoying me.” — Unknown
One-Liners That Slay (131-140)
- “Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Whatever works.” — Unknown
- “That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and feel like a criminal.” — Unknown
- “It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step on a Lego.” — Unknown
- “I don’t snore. I dream I’m a motorcycle.” — Unknown
- “Me? Sarcastic? Never.” — Unknown
- “I don’t go looking for trouble. It finds me all on its own.” — Unknown
- “I’ve reached the age where my brain goes from ‘You probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the hell, let’s see what happens.’” — Unknown
- “If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest… I would miss you so much.” — Unknown
- “The fridge is a perfect example of what matters inside is more important than outside.” — Unknown
- “I wish my wallet came with free refills.” — Unknown
Final Belly Laughs (141-150)
- “When nothing is going right… go left.” — Unknown
- “There’s no ‘we’ in fries.” — Unknown
- “You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.” — Unknown
- “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead.” — Mac McCleary
- “I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.” — Unknown
- “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.” — Unknown
- “Dear Math, I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems.” — Unknown
- “You ever look at someone and wonder, ‘How do they make it through the day?’” — Unknown
- “If you can’t say something nice, say it sarcastically.” — Unknown
- “I wish I had a remote to fast forward to the weekend.” — Unknown
Ending on a High Note (151-160)
- “Some people graduate with honors. I am just honored to graduate.” — John F. Kennedy
- “I would exercise, but it makes me spill my drink.” — Unknown
- “I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time!” — Unknown
- “I always mean what I say. I just don’t always mean to say it out loud.” — Unknown
- “A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.” — Unknown
- “I know the voices in my head aren’t real, but sometimes their ideas are just too good to ignore.” — Unknown
- “I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.” — Unknown
- “I keep hitting ‘escape,’ but I’m still here.” — Unknown
- “I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.” — Unknown
- “My level of sarcasm depends on your level of stupidity.” — Unknown
The Grand Finale of Giggles (161-180)
- “I just realized my kitchen sponge and I do the same amount of work.” — Unknown
- “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” — Albert Einstein
- “Some people age like fine wine. Others age like milk.” — Unknown
- “Sometimes I talk to myself, and we both laugh.” — Unknown
- “If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.” — Unknown
- “I have a photographic memory, but it’s out of focus.” — Unknown
- “You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not Nutella.” — Unknown
- “You know you’re an adult when you get excited about canceled plans.” — Unknown
- “I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast.” — Unknown
- “That’s enough todaying for today.” — Unknown
- “If I had a dollar for every smart thing I’ve ever said, I’d be broke.” — Unknown
- “I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” — Unknown
- “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Unknown
- “Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?” — Unknown
- “Life’s biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.” — Benjamin Franklin
- “I’m not lazy. I’m in energy-saving mode.” — Unknown
- “If Monday had a face, I’d punch it.” — Unknown
- “Sarcasm: because beating people up is illegal.” — Unknown
- “I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.” — Unknown
- “Some people create their own storms and then get mad when it rains.” — Unknown
Final Thoughts
Humor makes life a little lighter and a lot more fun. These quotes are perfect for brightening someone’s day, adding to a conversation, or just laughing to yourself. Keep sharing the joy, and never forget—laughter is contagious, so spread it everywhere!
