120 Witty and Hilarious Christmas Quotes to Share This Holiday Season

Christmas is the perfect time to bring cheer and laughter to your loved ones. Whether it’s quirky humor about holiday traditions, playful takes on Santa Claus, or witty observations about the joys (and chaos) of the season, these quotes will keep the holiday spirit alive. Share these funny, clever lines to light up any gathering or holiday card. Here’s a collection of 120 witty and hilarious Christmas quotes grouped into sets of 10 for easy browsing.

1. Witty Christmas Quotes to Kick Off the Festivities

1. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” – Elf (movie)
2. “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson
3. “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Unknown
4. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
5. “Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall and the genial flame of charity in the heart.” – Washington Irving
6. “Three phrases that sum up Christmas: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries Not Included.” – English Proverb
7. “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?” – Bart Simpson
8. “My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others.” – Bob Hope
9. “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” – Andy Borowitz
10. “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard

2. Funny Takes on Santa Claus

11. “Be naughty. Save Santa the trip.” – Unknown
12. “Dear Santa, I’m writing to let you know I’ve been naughty and it was worth it.” – Unknown
13. “I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.” – Dick Gregory
14. “Santa Claus has the best gig in the world. He doesn’t have to pay for rent or gas, and he only works one day a year.” – Unknown
15. “Christmas: when everyone wants their past forgotten and their present remembered.” – Phyllis Diller
16. “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.” – Unknown
17. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
18. “I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took him to the top of a hill and told him to ‘wrap’ himself in it.” – Unknown
19. “Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.” – Dennis Miller
20. “Remember, if Christmas isn’t found in your heart, you won’t find it under a tree.” – Charlotte Carpenter

3. Playful Quotes About Christmas Chaos

21. “There’s nothing cozier than a Christmas tree all lit up.” – Jenny Han
22. “One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day.” – Andy Rooney
23. “People aren’t gifts. I can’t return them.” – Unknown
24. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major Christmas purchases.” – Bridger Winegar
25. “As a kid, I was a professional Christmas gift wrapper. I’d wrap my parents’ gifts in layers of duct tape.” – Unknown
26. “You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” – Robert Paul
27. “Christmas isn’t a season. It’s a feeling… of overwhelming credit card debt.” – Unknown
28. “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan
29. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’” – Bernard Manning
30. “Dear Santa, define ‘nice.’” – Unknown

4. Hilarious Holiday Wisdom

31. “Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.” – Charles M. Schulz

32. “It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.” – Unknown

33. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz

34. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman

35. “Even before Christmas has said hello, it’s saying ‘Buy buy.’” – Robert Paul

36. “This holiday season, let’s remember the true meaning of Christmas: our credit card limits.” – Unknown

37. “Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Unknown

38. “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.” – Unknown

39. “Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth sweetening every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever.” – Richelle E. Goodrich

40. “The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for twenty minutes.” – Julius Sharpe

5. Humorous Christmas Quotes About Gifts and Giving

41. “I told Santa you were good this year, and he hasn’t stopped laughing since!” – Unknown
42. “Christmas is a magical time of year. I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Unknown
43. “You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” – Maya Angelou
44. “Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.” – Unknown
45. “The four stages of man: 1. You believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3. You are Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus.” – Unknown
46. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde
47. “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor
48. “Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.” – Peg Bracken
49. “The perfect Christmas tree? All Christmas trees are perfect!” – Charles N. Barnard
50. “Nothing says ‘Christmas’ like a candy cane in one hand and a glass of wine in the other.” – Unknown

6. Relatable Christmas Quotes for the Whole Family

51. “Christmas is a time when everybody wants their past forgotten and their present remembered.” – Phyllis Diller
52. “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown
53. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman
54. “The only thing we have to fear about Christmas is running out of wine.” – Unknown
55. “There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who love Christmas music and liars.” – Unknown
56. “If you’re not under my tree on Christmas morning, I’m going back to bed.” – Unknown
57. “My family is so big that Christmas dinner is the reason why turkeys run away to join the witness protection program.” – Unknown
58. “I’ve learned that you can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. And you can’t hide a Christmas tree in the closet.” – Age 7 Wisdom
59. “Christmas is a time for family and togetherness… until someone brings up politics.” – Unknown
60. “Me: ‘I’ll start my Christmas shopping early this year!’ Also me: ‘Why is it December 23rd already?'” – Unknown

7. Laugh-Out-Loud Quotes About Holiday Feasts

61. “Calories don’t count at Christmas.” – Unknown
62. “Christmas dinner: we eat, we drink, we regret.” – Unknown
63. “Holiday tip: Don’t forget to set your scale back 10 pounds on New Year’s Eve.” – Unknown
64. “Christmas is the season for good food, great company, and stretchy pants.” – Unknown
65. “I’m dreaming of a calorie-free Christmas… just kidding, pass the pie!” – Unknown
66. “I ate all the Christmas cookies because the calories are for Santa, not me.” – Unknown
67. “Christmas: The only time of year when it’s totally acceptable to eat dessert for breakfast.” – Unknown
68. “I put so much effort into the Christmas turkey, it’s practically the centerpiece of my LinkedIn profile now.” – Unknown
69. “‘Tis the season to replace your morning coffee with hot cocoa loaded with marshmallows.” – Unknown
70. “You know it’s Christmas when you eat so much that you can’t fit into your holiday pajamas!” – Unknown

8. Quirky Quotes to Wrap Up the Holidays

71. “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.” – Home Alone 2
72. “Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.” – Charles M. Schulz
73. “If you haven’t wrapped presents in a panic at midnight, is it even Christmas?” – Unknown
74. “Christmas is the time to drink and eat everything in sight… and pretend the gym never existed.” – Unknown
75. “The smell of pine needles, spruce, and the smell of a Christmas tree: Those to me, are the scents of the holidays.” – Blake Lively
76. “There’s no such thing as too much glitter during Christmas.” – Unknown
77. “It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” – Mother Teresa
78. “The worst part of Christmas is that it comes right before New Year’s resolutions.” – Unknown
79. “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers
80. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” – Winston Spear

9. Sarcastic and Sassy Christmas Quotes

81. “I don’t need to diet during Christmas. I’m already a snack.” – Unknown
82. “I’m only a morning person on December 25th.” – Unknown
83. “I wonder what would happen if I just ran out of gift tags and signed everything from Santa this year?” – Unknown
84. “I’m not saying I’m Santa, but we’ve never been seen in the same room together.” – Unknown
85. “Let’s all be grateful that Christmas comes but once a year. I can’t handle another holiday like this one!” – Unknown
86. “Why does it take three hours to wrap a gift but only three seconds to tear it open?” – Unknown
87. “Santa saw your Instagram photos. You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.” – Unknown
88. “All I want for Christmas is a nap.” – Unknown
89. “You say I’m hard to shop for, but I’m not. Just buy me wine, snacks, or money.” – Unknown
90. “Christmas cheer: when you drink so much eggnog that even the tree looks straight.” – Unknown

10. Quotes About the Spirit of the Season

91. “Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts.” – Janice Maeditere
92. “The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each other’s burdens, and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas.” – W. C. Jones
93. “Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.” – Hamilton Wright Mabie
94. “Christmas waves a magic wand over the world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.” – Norman Vincent Peale
95. “Christmas is the day that holds all time together.” – Alexander Smith
96. “It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.” – W. T. Ellis
97. “At Christmas, all roads lead home.” – Marjorie Holmes
98. “Christmas is a time to open your heart and be giving to others.” – Unknown
99. “Christmas magic is silent. You don’t hear it—you feel it. You know it. You believe it.” – Kevin Alan Milne
100. “The spirit of Christmas is in every tender embrace, every kind word, and every act of giving.” – Unknown

11. Holiday Humor to End the Year on a High Note

101. “I’m dreaming of a debt-free Christmas.” – Unknown
102. “Who needs mistletoe when you’ve got good wine?” – Unknown
103. “I tried to take a family Christmas photo this year, but my dog ate the tree and my kids refused to smile.” – Unknown
104. “Christmas is great—unless you’re a tree.” – Unknown
105. “I put so much effort into decorating, it should count as cardio.” – Unknown
106. “What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!” – Unknown
107. “Christmas is a race to see which gives out first: your money or your feet.” – Unknown
108. “Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Well, most of the time. Okay, once in a while. Forget it, I’ll buy my own stuff.” – Unknown
109. “The joy of Christmas is always being surprised by how much tape you really need.” – Unknown
110. “Remember: If you don’t believe, you get socks.” – Unknown

12. Cheeky Quotes About Christmas Traditions

111. “When you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.” – Unknown
112. “Christmas cookies and happy hearts, this is how the holiday starts.” – Unknown
113. “The Christmas tree is the perfect representation of this year: slightly tilted and barely holding it together.” – Unknown
114. “Why is it called Christmas cheer when most of it comes in a bottle?” – Unknown
115. “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets a new pair of snow boots.” – Unknown
116. “Let’s just say the ‘ugly Christmas sweater’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting at this party.” – Unknown
117. “Christmas: The one time of year we sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of our socks.” – Unknown
118. “Hanging stockings is the best distraction from the fact that Santa keeps putting off my student loans.” – Unknown
119. “I love Christmas because I can give people things and make it seem thoughtful while I secretly got it on sale.” – Unknown
120. “If your tree is still up on Valentine’s Day, you might just be my kind of person.” – Unknown

Conclusion

The holiday season is a time to laugh, connect, and embrace the magic of the moment—even if it comes with some tangled lights and last-minute shopping. These witty and hilarious quotes are perfect for adding a light-hearted touch to your celebrations. Share them with loved ones, add them to your cards, or keep them handy for some much-needed chuckles during the busiest time of the year. Here’s to a season filled with love, joy, and lots of laughter!